It’s been a while.  I have forgotten how good the release of writing is – the flow of words forever thrown into the void of what is the internet.

The stages of grief…

  1. Shock/Denial
  2. Anger
  3. Depression
  4. Bargaining
  5. Acceptance

I knew some of the stages, but not all.  I have never lost anyone close to me.  I am now having to learn how to cope…

There is nothing that prepares you for the news of an unexpected death, particularly when it’s someone so close to you – a father – and especially when it’s a suicide… The pain is thick, the denial strong, waves of emotion crash over you.  You become incapacitated. But, there are times that you seem normal, almost strong.  I give family and friends the credit.

And then there are times, in the shower or car with my husband, that I can’t think.  Everything I see, everything I do reminds me of him – putting my knife in my pocket, because he taught me to carry one. Eating a snickers, because he loved them.  Being in the yard, he loved being outside, working in the garden.  Looking at the sunset, because he loved sunsets and taking pictures of beautiful and unique things.  Picking out what to wear, wondering if he would have liked it.  EVERYTHING.  When before I wouldn’t have given it a second thought.

I am filled with anguish, and sometimes anger, that is quickly replaced with sadness again. I can’t stay mad.  Not yet.  Maybe I will.  But I hope I skip that stage of the grieving process.

I can’t think of the future.  He was being selfish.  I start to get angry.  Angry that he won’t be there for MY kids. Angry that he put my sister in tears because he walked me down the aisle, but not her.  Angry that he left his grandson behind at 8 years old who was his only father figure growing up.  And then just sadness again because I can’t imagine the state he must have been in to consider such extremes, let alone follow through with them.  I thought he was doing good… He didn’t talk to me about it.

One thing I expected from myself was to be mad at God, but surprisingly, I’m not.  We live in such a fallen world that I know He is not responsible.  I know my God was there for him in the end.  I know because my God is merciful and full of grace. And for that, I cannot even begin to express how thankful I am.  He didn’t intervene… He didn’t save him… but Yahweh was there with my father.

25 Jesus said to her, “I am the resurrection and the life. The one who believes in me will live, even though they die; 26 and whoever lives by believing in me will never die. Do you believe this?” John 11:25-26
 13 Then I heard a voice from heaven say, “Write this: Blessed are the dead who die in the Lord from now on.” “Yes,” says the Spirit, “they will rest from their labor, for their deeds will follow them.” Revelation 14:13
37 Yet in all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us. 38 For I am persuaded that neither death nor life, nor angels nor principalities nor powers, nor things present nor things to come,39 nor height nor depth, nor any other created thing, shall be able to separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord. Romans 8:37-39 
 8 If we live, we live for the Lord; and if we die, we die for the Lord. So, whether we live or die, we belong to the Lord. Ephesians 2:8-9
 “Most assuredly, I say to you, he who hears My Word and believes in Him who sent Me has everlasting life, and shall not come into judgment, but has passed from death into life.” John 5:24

In this I take comfort, and it makes moving forward a little easier – but still not easy.  I don’t yet know how I am going to make it through this.  When I leave my family to go back to Conway, it will be SO difficult not having them there..  Someone to understand my pain and comfort me.  But I will have Yahweh, Jon, my church family, and school family to help me, and I am thankful…

Thank you, to ALL my friends and family who have reached out to us in our time of need.  I read these kinds of ‘thank yous’ from time to time, but I never understood the gravity of it.  I am OVERWHELMED by your support.  I don’t know how to tell all of you how grateful I am…

Edward Douglas Horine – Memorial service will be held at Hartford First Baptist Church on May 31st, at 2:30 p.m. Any who wish may come, but please don’t feel obligated.  If there was anything dad would wish, it would be for this to be as easy as possible and not inconveniencing.

Sarah Hoffman (Horine)